The Psychology of the Ask (Don’t Tell Me What to Do)
- Melanie
- May 29
- 3 min read
Sometime ago, a boss of mine added an early morning meeting to my calendar — a commitment earlier than I wanted to attend. I was annoyed, feeling boxed in. But then, a note came from the event organizer saying, “We hope some of you will be able to attend…”
Suddenly, everything shifted. My frustration dissolved. Without hesitation, I decided to go.
Why the change?
Because I felt like I had a choice.
Assuming the Sale
It reminded me of my college days when I had an opportunity to learn sales — door-to-door— offering Christian books. These were beautifully written, well-made resources I truly believed in. But I’m an empath, and selling was tough. Every time someone hesitated or objected, my heart went out to them, to “their side.” I felt their discomfort. Their financial strain. Their uncertainty. And, at first, I let it shut me down. I didn’t doubt the ability of these books to improve lives, but I began to doubt my ability to sell - at all. I was struggling.
The team training me shared a little trick that re-infused me with courage:
Don’t ask if they want to buy — ask which one they want to buy.
They called it “assuming the sale,” and honestly, it worked for me.
“Thanks so much for looking at these great books! Were you more interested in the healthy cookbook or the bedtime stories for your grandkids?”
That simple shift — from “yes or no” to “this or that” — didn’t feel manipulative. It felt natural, empowering even. I wasn’t trying to talk someone into something. I was offering something meaningful and letting them choose.
From Empath to Leader
Now, years later, I’m financially stable and often the person on the other end of that ask — the one buying the fundraiser candy or donating to a mission trip. And here’s what I’ve learned:
I want to help.
I just want it to feel like it’s my decision.
Push me with guilt or pressure, and I’ll resist. But assume I want to contribute? Show me how I can help? Give me a meaningful choice? I’m all in.
Leadership and the Illusion of Choice
In healthcare leadership — or any workplace, really — we hand out expectations like candy:
Do this. Be here. Don’t be late. Document better. Fix it.
And yes, some things are non-negotiable. Patient safety, policy compliance, teamwork — these aren’t optional.
But how we present those expectations matters. Are we commanding? Or are we guiding? Are we allowing people to buy into the why, or just handing them a list of what?
As I continue to grow as a leader, I want to remember:
To have the meeting before the meeting
To help people believe in what we’re building
To communicate often and well
To make the right thing the easy thing
To give my team ownership, clarity, and choices
Not just because it’s nicer. But because it works.
So, What Does That Look Like?
Here’s what I’m learning to ask myself:
How can I ask questions instead of giving directives?
How can I pre-load key players with vision and invite them to speak first?
How can I give options that still align with what’s required?
How can I use language like, “Here’s the goal — how do you think we can get there?”
How can I make expectations clear without making them feel heavy-handed?
When I do this right, I don’t just get compliance. I get buy-in.
And when people choose to show up, to lead, to do the hard thing — it’s no longer about me pulling them forward.
It’s about us moving together in the same direction.
Because even the hard choices feel easier when we feel like we had a voice in them.
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