Face to Face and Side by Side — Two Languages of Trust

It’s often said that women and men bond in very different ways. Looking back on my own marriage, I would have told you our strong connection was built on communication. That’s true, but I’ve learned that communication is so much more than words. In fact, studies suggest that only about 10% of communication is the actual words spoken; the rest comes through tone, pace, and body language.

Of course, relationships can’t be summed up entirely by gender, but there are consistent enough patterns that they’re worth considering—especially if you’re trying to build trust at home or at work.

Think about the dating world. For many women, trust begins with what is said. She listens carefully to the way a man talks about his mom, his friends, his work, or even his dog. Words give her the ingredient list she’s looking for: can she trust this person? If the words don’t line up, she may hesitate when he reaches for her hand. Trust is built and deepened through conversation, through hearing who he is and how he thinks.

Men often take the opposite path. Physical connection often comes first—holding hands, a hug, a kiss. Those moments open the door for deeper conversation. Once there’s a sense of closeness through shared activity or touch, he becomes more willing to reveal what’s inside.

This pattern shows up in friendships, too. Have you heard the phrase that women build friendships face to face, while men build them side by side? There’s a lot of truth there.

At work, the same principles often apply. My closest female colleagues are those I’ve bonded with through conversations about what matters—our philosophies, our experiences, our struggles. Trust grew as we talked.

With men, my path to trust has usually been side by side, through shared projects and responsibilities. One of my most trusted colleagues was someone I worked with on a Lean Six Sigma process improvement initiative. I don’t trust quickly, but I trusted him early. Why? Because side by side on that project, I had a chance to watch his mind at work. His words revealed competence and commitment without him ever trying to prove himself.

The friendship grew in both directions. While he built trust by showing his expertise, I built it by delivering. My team quickly produced research he needed, and he saw that we could be relied on. That mutual respect—side by side, in action—built a bond we still carry. Now, a quick smile across a meeting room is enough to say, “I’ve got your back.”

I’ve seen it play out in other relationships too. My charge nurse laughs when I tell her how we handled a difficult patient years ago. In those shared stories, she sorts me—deciding whether I’m someone she can lean on. Another nurse trusts me more after I show him a technical skill. As he learns, he relaxes and begins sharing about his life. In both cases, the doorway to trust was different: conversation in one, shared activity in the other.

At the end of the day, trust is essential—at home, at work, everywhere. And while personality always plays a role, gender often shapes the pathway. With women, trust frequently begins with words—sharing who you are. With men, trust is often earned side by side, in action, through doing.

That doesn’t mean one style is better. It simply means that if you want to build stronger relationships, it helps to pay attention to the language of trust your colleague, friend, or partner speaks. Sometimes that’s a coffee conversation face to face. Other times, it’s sitting quietly beside them, fishing pole in hand—or in my case, sprawled out with a notebook while my husband casts a line (with me ducking at the occasional errant cast).

The method matters less than the intention: showing up in the way they can best receive it. That’s the foundation of trust.

🎧 Listen to the podcast here: https://open.spotify.com/episode/2KQUr4WeeCwyFbG4dqLBnq?si=gbQejsXZTYOUImIHUdtZSw