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I am a fan of a good vent.

Ten minutes. Safe person. Say the thing you cannot quite say in the meeting, at dinner, or while you are still trying to figure out why you are so upset.

I call it vent therapy.

There is real value in putting an experience into words. Research on “affect labeling” has found that naming an emotion can reduce emotional reactivity (Lieberman1). Expressive-writing research has also found that people often benefit when their writing begins to include more language of insight, cause, and meaning—words like understand, realize, because, and reason (Pennebaker2).

Intuitively, that makes sense to me. Sometimes we hear ourselves say the sentence and suddenly realize:

Oh. That’s what hurt.

Just repeating a complaint, griping, however, is not guaranteed to help. Research on the social sharing of emotion has found that empathic support can bring comfort and connection, while longer-term recovery is more likely when the conversation also helps someone reframe, make meaning, or see the experience differently (Nils3).

You may have told this story before, and it might seem like it will “feel good” to tell it again. If, however, you want to benefit from retelling it, ask yourself:

Does telling it again—in this way, to this person, at this time—help me understand something I did not understand before?

Choose Your Listener Carefully

For years, when we have worked with engaged couples, Mike and I have warned them to think carefully about where they take their complaints about each other.

Your mother loves you. Your best friend loves you. That is precisely why they may not be neutral.

You may call your mother after a terrible argument and give her the whole painful account. Three days later, you and your spouse apologize, talk until midnight, reconnect, laugh together, and move forward.

Your mother did not get that part.

She got Friday night gripes.

Then we all complain about difficult in-laws, without noticing how easily we can help create them.

I have told the women in my own sons’ lives that they are welcome to complain about my sons to me. They cannot talk me out of loving them. Another person who loves her, however, may understandably begin accumulating evidence against the man she keeps calling to complain about.

So choose someone who can hold the worst version of someone you intend to keep loving without turning that person into the worst thing they ever did.

Obviously, I’m talking about squabbles and not abuse. Stay safe and get professional support when needed.

Keep the Vent Moving

The workplace version matters too.

There are days when you need to close the office door and say to a trusted coworker:

“Do you have ten minutes? I need to tell you what just happened.

That can be useful. A 2024 workplace study found that coworker reappraisal support—helping a colleague cognitively process a difficult supervisory experience—buffered rumination (Iser-Potempa6).

A helpful listener may begin with:

“That sounds awful.”

Eventually, though, the best venting partner conversations start asking questions:

• What part of this is bothering you most?

• Is this a pattern?

• What are you assuming?

• What might you be missing?

• Who actually needs to hear this?

• What can you do next?

Good venting moves. Rumination loops.

A 2025 meta-analysis of 66 studies involving nearly 30,000 participants found that co-rumination—repeatedly revisiting and dwelling on problems together—was significantly associated with depressive symptoms (Dong7). That seems to point toward something worth noticing at work: getting stuck in an extended gripe session with a coworker may feel supportive in the moment, but repeatedly circling the same frustrations is significantly correlated with symptoms of depression.

There is another boundary worth knowing. The old idea that anger needs to be aggressively “gotten out” does not hold up especially well. A 2024 meta-analysis involving 154 studies found that practices lowering physiological arousal—such as breathing, relaxation, meditation, and mindfulness—were far more effective at reducing anger and aggression than arousal-raising activities commonly associated with catharsis (Kjærvik8).

Sometimes the wisest vent includes a journal, counselor, prayer, deep breathing, trusted friend, spouse, coworker, or leader who will care about you enough to eventually ask a harder question.

Lay the Next Gold Line

Eventually, I want vent therapy to take me somewhere.

I may not know how the whole situation will resolve. I may still be angry. The relationship may still be cracked. The system may still need work.

But perhaps I can see the next right step.

This is where kintsugi gives us a useful image. Repair happens line by line. You do not have to solve the whole broken thing today. You need enough clarity to lay the next gold line.

Ask yourself:

• Do I need to let this go?

• Change my behavior?

• Ask a question?

• Set a boundary?

• Apologize?

• Confront something?

• Talk to my boss?

• Get professional help?

Feeling lighter is useful.

Knowing what to do next is even more useful.

Tell the story. Talk about what happened. Let someone help you sort it.

Then lay the next gold line.

If your leadership team keeps circling the same frustrations without finding the next right move, Transformationship Leadership Group helps leaders identify patterns, have difficult conversations, and rebuild trust with clarity and courage.

#Transformationship






Research Referenced:

• Affect Labeling and Emotional Reactivity

• Social Sharing and Emotional Recovery

• Confiding About Relationship Problems

• Coworker Reappraisal Support

• Co-Rumination Meta-Analysis

• Anger-Management Meta-Analysis


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