The Pyrite Principle, Part 3 — The Glitter Trap

When it comes to relationships, appearances can be deceiving. We often find ourselves drawn to someone who sparkles—whether it’s their charm, humor, looks, or confidence. They shine. And we’re intrigued. But just like the glittering rocks I once mistook for gold as a child, not everything that sparkles is worth keeping.

At first, it feels magical. You laugh together, share meals, have great conversations, maybe even start picturing a future. But time has a way of revealing truth. And what once seemed golden may begin to flake, crack, or tarnish under pressure. Patterns of disrespect, dishonesty, or manipulation surface—but by then, your heart’s already in it. You've made memories and sacrifices. You’re emotionally invested.

And that’s where the real trap lies.

This is what behavioral economists call the sunk cost fallacy—the tendency to keep investing in something simply because you’ve already spent so much on it, even when it’s clearly no longer good for you. It’s like continuing to pour water into a leaky bucket because it’s your favorite bucket, even though you're standing ankle-deep in the spill.

But here’s something deeper to reflect on:

“Men do not attract that which they want, but that which they are.” – James Allen

That line stopped me in my tracks the first time I read it. If we don’t like the quality of the people and opportunities we’re attracting into our lives, then maybe the answer isn’t just out there. Maybe it starts with us.

As my mother used to say, “Birds of a feather flock together.” And in every culture and every

circle I’ve encountered, this proves true. People gravitate toward others who share similar

energy, values, and maturity. That’s why leadership speaker Jim Rohn said, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”

If you want to attract stronger, wiser, kinder people into your life, start by becoming stronger, wiser, and kinder yourself. Change your inputs—your habits, your mindset, your environment—and over time, you’ll change your outputs. And as you grow, you’ll start noticing two things:

1. Some relationships will naturally fade as you become less aligned with the people you

once tolerated.

2. New, higher-quality relationships will emerge because you’ve become the kind of person

who attracts them.

So how do we avoid falling into the glitter trap—and how do we build something real?

Before You Commit, Look Beneath the Shine

1. Slow down. Infatuation speeds up perception and blurs judgment. Take your time. Don’t let urgency or loneliness make the decision for you.

2. Watch in varied settings. Observe how the person treats people they don’t need--waitstaff, coworkers, family. Are they consistent or performative?

3. Ask real questions. What do they value? How do they handle conflict? What’s their relationship history? Don’t just listen to answers—watch their life.

4. Check your alignment. Are your core values and life goals compatible? Shared direction matters more than shared hobbies or chemistry.

   
   

5. Let others speak into it. Trusted friends can see what you might be blind to. Let someone who loves you speak the truth you may not want to hear.

When You Realize It’s Pyrite, Not Gold

Disentangling from a relationship, especially one that has time, emotion, and shared history, is never easy. But it’s better to let go of something wrong than to let it grow into something destructive.

• Accept the truth. People show you who they are—believe them. Stop clinging to potential or promises that never materialize.

• Set clear boundaries. Whether it’s taking space, limiting access, or ending things

entirely—protect your peace with clarity.

• Be honest with yourself. If the relationship brings more anxiety than joy, more pain than

growth, more confusion than clarity, it’s time.

• Don’t let guilt manipulate you. Just because you’ve invested doesn’t mean you’re obligated to stay. Wisdom knows when to walk away.

Family, Boundaries, and Emotional Safety

Family relationships are often the most complicated. We carry years—sometimes decades—of unspoken expectations, traditions, and unresolved pain. But here’s what’s true:

• You can love someone and still need distance.

• You are not required to suffer to prove loyalty.

• Boundaries are not selfish—they’re sacred.

If your mental, emotional, or physical health is being eroded by family dynamics, it is not only okay—it is necessary—to protect yourself. That might mean setting new limits, having hard conversations, or even stepping away for a time.

Design Your Life Intentionally

Ultimately, we all live in the world our choices have created—some conscious, some

unconscious. That means the good news is this: you can change your life by changing yourself.

As you grow—internally and externally—you’ll begin to attract better relationships, better

opportunities, and a more aligned path.

Don’t settle for what’s available. Pursue what’s meaningful.

Don’t follow the current. Design the direction.

And don’t be fooled by dazzle when what you need is depth.

Solid gold may not sparkle like pyrite, but it endures. And in the long run, that’s what truly shines.

🎧 Listen here: https://creators.spotify.com/pod/profile/transformationship/episodes/The-Pyrite-Principle--Part-3--The-Glitter-Trap-24-e36all9